HELLO OH MY GOD IT'S THE LAST BLOG AND MY RESOLUTION FOR THIS BLOG IS TO YELL THE ENTIRE TIME BECAUSE I'M SO EXCITED IT'S OVER YAY. ALSO IT WAS TO USE NO PUNCTUATION BUT THAT WOULD BE BAD BECAUSE I'M BEING GRADED ON THIS SO. NEVER MIND THAT BIT. MY HEART WILL GO ON… TO THE GRAVE BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ONE. SOMEWHERE A OFFENSIVELY DRESSED PERSON IS ROLLING OVER IN THEIR OFFENSIVELY-HEADSTONED GRAVE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO ALMOST BE DONE WITH THIS YES! I MEAN NO, TRAGEDY. NO I DON'T. OH SHIT, RIGHT, GYMNASTICS. FRONT WALKOVERS AND BACK WALKOVERS. WATCH THE VIDEOS. IGNORE MY REALLY ANNOYING MOTHER LAUGHING. AND SHOUT OUT TO MY NEIGHBOR DONNA, I'M SORRY FOR KILLING YOUR CAT THAT ONE TIME. ACTUALLY I THINK SHE WAS IN THE OTHER POST, WHOOPS. OH WELL, NO POINT ERASING THAT, MY BACK SPACE IS BROKEN… IS THE EXCUSE I USE EVERY TIME I WRITE SOMETHING POSSIBLY OFFENSIVE THAT I FIND FUNNY. OK VIDEO, GO…
I'M SORRY FOR THE FACT THAT THE LIGHT CHANGES A TON, MY PHONE DECIDED TO DIE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH DURING THAT ONE AND THEN IT TOOK IT'S SWEET FUCKING TIME CHARGING AND THEN IT WAS DARK. GOD DAMN IT WINTER. YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA. PRETZELS IF YOU GET THAT REFERENCE.
AND FOR THE RANT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT I GOT ALL DISTRACTED BY THE MUSIC AND IT WAS LOUD AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW GOD PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, I WANT TO BE ALIVE FOR NEXT WEEK'S TEEN WOLF. IF YOU DON'T WATCH THAT SHOW PROMPTLY SHUT YOUR COMPUTER AND HANG YOURSELF.
OH GOD THIS THUMBNAIL IS EVEN WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE WHAT IS MY LIFE. REMEMBER KIDDIES, HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY AND NEVER GET INTO CARS WITH STRANGE MEN WITH GREEN HAIR AND WHITE FACES.
P.S. THE OTHER DAY I HAD A DREAM THAT I FELL INTO THE OCEAN AND I TURNED INTO A FISH AND I WAS WICKED STOKED AND THEN I REALIZED I STILL HAD A PERSON HEAD AND I DROWNED. SO YEAH.
P.P.S. I LIVE ON A DEAD END STREET AND THE OTHER DAY ONE OF MY FRIENDS SAID THAT IT WAS A METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE. SO YEAH.
A very unenthusiastic hello to you my lovelies, I really don't feel like writing this right now, but I'm going to persevere for the sake of my grade. Today we are going to talk - well I'm going to type and you're hopefully going to read - about handstand walks. Walking in a handstand is apparently extremely difficult for people to figure out, which in turn is difficult for me to figure out, because it's ridiculously easy. The first step is obviously being able to do a handstand. And to do that, you should watch this convenient video I made because I'm way too lazy right now to type and all I want to do is sleep. Which is why I'm not funny today. Or alternatively, why I'm not TRYING to be funny. Let's be honest, I never really am. No I lied, I just realized that I have no one to film for me so I guess I'll just be trying to find a video or maybe I'll wait until my mom gets home. Decisions. Not really actually because the less typing the better.
TA DA! I guess my mom doesn't hate me as much as I thought she did.
I think the quality is probably going to be freaking terrible, but whatever. You'll watch it and you'll like it. Or at least pretend, I'm fragile.
Here's a bonus, because I'm ridiculous. My hands smelt like feet afterwards. For your entertainment guys!
And heeeeerrreeee's the rant….it's more of me just babbling about something random with absolutely no point… so enjoy that I guess. I don't even remember what I was talking about. Oops. That's a very attractive thumbnail, try not to get too excited guys. Or girls I guess. Apologies for the messy room. And how short the actual writing is. And how annoying my voice is. And the rambling about nothing. And for how stupid these videos are… and just for my general existence.
Hey guys, long time no type. My hands were busy elsewhere, wink wink. And by elsewhere I mean over my face to muffle my sobs over the waste of my existence. Honesty, yay. Anyway, today's blog is a movie review. Which is obvious if you read the title. But maybe you're just the kind of lazy bum who neglects to read the unnecessary information. Then again, who am I to judge? Oh that's right, a human. The movie, right right right. I watched a movie called…..drumroll please…..look I don't care if you don't want to do it, just do it….or don't, no one listens to me anyways…. ok sorry I got carried away. It's called Don't Go in the Woods! Spoiler alert: this way lie spoilers. That was redundant. This movie came out in 2010, and was directed by Vincent D'Onofrio, who you may know from Law & Order: Criminal Intent. But then again probably not, because it's not as popular as Law & Order SVU and let's face it, he's no Stabler. This movie is a horror musical, which is a sick idea. It's not the kind of musical you're probably thinking of, a la High School Musical, it's actually about a band who goes into the woods to concentrate on writing their new album, so there's a legit reason for the singing.
The songs themselves are actually really good, so much so that I wish there was a soundtrack, seriously. If you like bands like Brand New - and who doesn't, Brand New is a treasure - then you'll like the songs. They're emo-y songs. I live off of those. Right, well. Plot wise, this movie has what you think is a standard plot, but is actually kind of twisty. A band goes into the woods, like I said, to write new song for their album. The lead singer is really focused and intense, and insists that all the members' phones be destroyed to prevent distractions….face palm. Seriously. The band consists of the lead singer and three more members, one blind. Which is an interesting touch. In the middle of the night, the band are snuck up on while they're playing around the fire. A group in creepy ass masks, which is frankly terrifying. But they aren't murderers, they're a group of girls who are friends with the band. The lead singer is definitely not happy about the added distraction, and makes the girls hand over their phones to be smashed with rocks as well. Two of the girls go and leave for a hotel, but are murdered by the time they get into their car. The murders continue in interesting ways, including a two person hook up in a sleeping bag turning into a blood bath cocoon. One person survives at the end, but I really don't want to ruin the movie for you. Now for the background. This movie was a project between projects for D'Onofrio, and had an extremely small budget of $100,000 compared to a movie like A Nightmare on Elm Street, with a budget of $1.4 million. All of the actors and actresses had little to no acting experience, and D'Onofrio was quoted as saying he wanted actors whose "rawness, flatness, and bad timing would work in an odd kind of way" in the movie, which I think is really interesting and made the movie feel more real in a way.
I'm one of those people who like kind of offbeat movies, and even though there are a ton of bad reviews of this movie, I thought it was charming and still managed to surprise me in the end. If I had to be negative (I love to be so this isn't hard) I'd say that there a just a lot of horror movie cliches in the movie that really didn't need to be there, like the smashing of the phones. However, I really liked the idea behind this movie and wow I'm just rambling on and on. Lucky for you guys, I don't really feel like writing more and so you don't have to hear about the tragic mess that is my daily life. I'll just vent to my dog. As per usual. I don't like how serious this one came out, but it was required so oh well. Check out the movie if it seems like the kind of thing you'd like, if not then whateeeeever. See you guys next time for more tomfoolery and antics and gymnastics.
Peace out people eaters.
P.S. I just realized that I didn't go over the plot very well but I really didn't want to give anything away or I'm lazy or I got distracted by tv but just pretend it's the first one ok goodbye.
P.P.S. No wait, …. I forgot what I was going to say, never mind.
Greetings again my little maggots. Or maybe you're not little. Maybe you're really tall and proud of it and continue to dream about skinning me for a coat because I keep calling you little... I just freaked myself out. I apologize for any offended tall people but uh, welcome to my nightmares. Also glad to see the rambling is becoming a pattern, I'm sure it's really cute. But I digress. Because I'm in Fall Out Boy. Because they use the word digress in "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race" get it? If you don't you had no childhood or good taste to speak of. Except you Ms. B, the song is only from 2006. Right, moving on to the boring part of this. Aerials are not red-headed mermaids in skimpy purple seashell bras, (I know that joke wasn't funny, you don't have to tell me, I'm already disappointing myself) they are no handed cartwheels. They might be the easiest bit of impressive looking gymnastics to learn because there really isn't a lot to them. All you need to do is push off your front foot and throw your arms down to drive yourself through the flip. That kind of sounds complicated when I read it back, but as a gymnast those are some of the simplest instructions I'd get. This post is going to be pretty short (I'm sure you're super excited about that (just kidding no you aren't, you love my rambling (except no, no one loves my rambling or me, sob))) because that's actually I have to say about those. The push off your front leg is the thing that's going to make you successful in your endeavors. Unless you have face-smashing endeavors, then skip the push and aim for the face. Aerials are also probably the least scary skill to try. If you feel like you're not going to be able to make it, you can always put your hands down. Really quickly, there are a couple variations of an aerial. A front aerial is a no handed front walkover (I'll add a video) and a "back aerial" is actually known as a back layout stepout. And you already know what that is. So, I totally caved and put videos on Youtube to prove to you guys that I'm not a total fogey. I'll have you guys know that I still hate Blogger just as passionately and with explosions of....feeling, because its still makes me look like I formatted this post with two stubs for hands. Or maybe dog paws. No offense to amputees...or dogs. I totally brought the swearing in this one down, aren't you proud of me Ms. B?
Since I finally got my shit together (and I spoke too soon on the swearing, it's totally my hands, they have a mind of their own, the crafty bastards) with videos, I figured I'd just add some. Of myself. Butchering the sport. Obviously you'd like to see it. Wow that thumbnail looks really ugly, sorry. This video is two years old, as is the one above, because I can't get my shit together enough to be actually successful. I only have a tiny shovel guys (it's like a mouse sized one, not like a horse sized one). Now that I've probably disgusted you, you might be able to tell that this is a back layout step-out, if you read the first post. The one below is a normal layout, with legs together. Although this was on the grass, so it was a bit less straight... than it would usually be...ha.
In the second post we learned about back handsprings, so the next video is much like the awkward stripping one...minus the awkward stripping (but plus some super attractive stripping...nope, what is funny. Not me), but still with awful form. Sorry about that as well, I was fooling around doing these. Notice I was in my natural habitat, there was no coach to beat me with a stick when I did something wrong. Just kidding, that's not my natural habitat. Just kidding, just kidding, that doesn't actually happen. It's just verbal abuse and disappointed eyes. I still have no idea about format, so I guess I'll just tell you that the one after the back handspring one is a back handspring step-out back tuck on beam, just like the girl in the second post. This was last year too (I'm just excusing myself for sucking, don't mind me), cut me some slack guys, ok?
Right, now that it looks like Stephen Hawking organized this post (is it still offensive if it's true?) and there's a smattering of gymnastics projectile vomited onto this web page, it's time for the rant. It's going to be short because I'm weary of the dumb shit you guys come up with and then choose to adopt as normal. Two words: TURNT UP. As you're saying this next time, please please realize that you look like a giant douchenozzle. And if you're saying to yourself right now: "It can't be, everyone says it, all my friends say it, it can't possibly be stupid," you're mistaken. Gravely. Mistaken, that is. Because guess what. You all look like giant bleeping (I'm trying here...oh hey, I'm like Ortiz, except I'm not trying to get you all to have more city spirit in the wake of a bombing but actually swear and I didn't win a World Series title just now and then cheekily add the bleep in there like a charming motherfucker and I'm not giant and cuddly with an awkward beard and also I'm not a man. Wow that got away from me. That simile just took a nose dive off a plane and sank to the bottom of the ocean, that's how much I lost that simile. Does anyone have a map?) douchenozzles. Don't look so shocked and forlorn, I can totally help you. Repeat after me, but note, reading this out loud will strengthen your resolve and also amuse me to no end: I pledge that from now on I am no longer willing make a giant tool out of myself by saying turnt up and also since I passed the third grade I realize that "turnt" is not a word because the past form of the verb turn is "turned" and I'm too smart (note: not likely, but just tell yourself that you are) to look like such a raging idiot in public and I will subsequently try to avoid being laughed at by all those people who retained their knowledge of verb tense and are much smarter than I.Got it? Good job, unless you've forgotten how to read as well, in which case you should just kill yourself. That TURNED (OH LOOK SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) out a lot rantier than I thought it was going to be, I think these are cathartic. I promise I might learn what a paragraph is next time (or not, don't get your hopes up).
Ok well bye I guess.
Also I realize just now that I forgot to add a video of a front aerial, but you have fingers (I'm assuming) so go google that.
By the way my OTP is myself and parenthesis. Also run on sentences. It's a love triangle.
Hey again...maybe again....I'm just going to assume you've been here before. Probably after crying about your life and eating something shitty for you. It's a vicious cycle. Or is that just me? Whatever, I'm allowed to have feelings. Aaaaannnyyyway, I've just realized that I should be writing about gymnastics, so...gymnastics. Back handsprings are important. They're pretty much necessary to everything. Which sucks, because they hurt my back like ow. Uh, if you don't know what a back handspring is, kill yourself. Joking, it's totally my job to teach you this shit. You're never going to need to know any of this, but oh well. A back handspring is a back flip (again, no shit) where you sit like you're in an invisible chair, then jump backwards with an arched back, place your hands on the ground and push off, and then snap to your feet. Just like layout, you can do them with two feet, or split in the middle and step out of them. Here's a video. (Once again Blogger, you have spoiled my plans. You win this round, but I'm going to post my own videos if it's the last thing I do. I'll get you my pretty, and your imaginary that I made up just now to entertain myself dog too!)
I'm not responsible for any puking or loss of consciousness due to his abso-freaking-lutely disgusting form, or for any scarring prompted by awkward mid-flip stripping. (This is really random but I'm watching tv as I'm writing this and the news is letting us know that there's an upside to herpes now? Good news guys.) Ignore that. Doesn't seem very complicated, does it? It's really not. If you have a tiny speck of talent, you'll be able to do a back handspring. Back handsprings are used on floor, beam, and vault. A vault with a back handspring is called a yurchenko. Which is pronounced UR-CHEN-KO. You can thank the damn foreigners for that crap. Freaking Russians. A yurchenko is...I'll just post the video. I don't have one of me doing it because I rarely have time to film at practice because I'm....practicing. Also I wouldn't be able to post it even if I did because Blogger has decided it wants custody of my sanity in this divorce. Whatever. The back handspring part is when you go over the vault backwards. And here's a video:
Fack you blogger, why is the thumbnail for this video so big? I'm just full of criticism today, which is *totally* unlike every other day. Rambling. Er, continuing with the gymnastics. Back handsprings are used mostly to help you gain power. Did I already say that? I don't remember. Doing a round-off into a back handspring into a flip is a lot easier than just doing a round-off into a flip. The more back handsprings you do (if you do them correctly and don't suck) the faster you will go, helping you flip higher or twist faster. An example of this is a back handspring back tuck on beam. Doing a standing back tuck is harder because you don't have any momentum, you're just...standing. Hence a standing flip. Behold this lovely video of a back
handspring into a back tuck. I promise I can do gymnastics, Blogger just wants my entire life to crash and burn. Speaking of burning, I have a burning desire to rant about Whole Foods. I'd
never been to Whole Foods before a couple weeks ago. If you've never heard of it, you should pull your head out of...well, it's a grocery store that sells all sorts of organic and expensive food for people who have a sixth sense for pesticides or whatever. Anyway, upon entering I regretted my decision to wear a leather jacket as I was immediately looked towards like the reincarnation of the devil itself. Himself. Herself? The devil. So here I was feeling judged and on the verge of being chased out of the store by an angry mob, but I persevered. Mostly because my mom wouldn't let me go sit in the car. And no, I'm not exaggerating, get that look off your face. Oh, that's just what your face looks like? That's acceptable then. The point is, we got like 6 things, including a pack of gum that was 3 freaking dollars, what?? We ended up spending around $50. Also, the check out guy didn't appreciate my compliments of his black nail polish and treated my face to some truly exceptional eyebrows of doom while I was zipping up my coat. Also I saw way more Birkenstocks (in the winter even, like there's no wrong season for hideous sandals) than I was comfortable with. And for getting through this ridiculously long and ridiculous post, here's a blooper video! See you little sunshines next time. Unless you decide I'm crazy and don't come back, that is.
Ouch, right? I've been there.....I'm still there.
(But never on a cartwheel because I don't suck that much.)
Ok, so I was going to post a video today of myself doing gymnastics...obviously, because that's the point of this lovely blog that's so much fun to write, but Blogger is an asshole. It refuses to let me post videos, no matter what I try. I'm convinced that Blogger is jealous of my talent and the fact that it can't do backflips because it's not an actual thing. That was funnier in my head, by the way. That happens a lot. Blogger can suck it, I guess I'll just do a picture. Of beam, which is a four foot high, four inch wide plank of wood, just begging for you to slip and die. This photo below (just kidding, it's not below, it's to the left, because Blogger is a piece of) is a picture of a girl (I like to think she's my spirit animal....or Cameron Frye (we can be best friends if you get that reference, but that's beside the point)) doing a skill called a back layout step-out. I apparently excel at run on sentences; bow before me, peasants. Anyway, a back layout is a backflip (no sh*t) with your body in a straight position. If you add a step-out, your legs split in the air. Here's a video...but not of me, because Blogger is a dirty scumbag and won't let me upload videos from my computer. Ignore the handstand at the beginning. I suddenly feel like there totally isn't a point to this post. I totally wanted to be helpful and explain this skill to you guys, but it turned into a rant about Blogger (such a fogey) and whining about
how scary beam is. Because it's very scary. Just imagine flipping backwards and trying to land back on the beam without splitting it. Actually, imagine trying to do pretty much anything four feet off the ground on a four inch piece of wood. Spoiler alert, it's scary. Almost as scary as starting a sentence with the word 'because,' right? Almost as scary as this sh*tty formatting, right (I'll have you know I'm shaking my fist at you Blogger, a la those old people who're trying to get those pesky kids off their grass). Anyway, enjoy this other video of Dominique Moceanu wiping out on some layout step-outs. They're hard (hehe). Seriously, just look. Or take my word for it. But I'm a pathological liar. Or not. Who knows? Profound. Ok, I'm going to stop now.
P.S. If you're reading this Jeremy, there's sharpie all over my sheets. And my face. Thanks a lot.
P.P.S The fall starts around 20 seconds if you're one of those Satan worshippers who just skip to the most interesting part of a video. If you are...virtual high five.
P.P.P.S See how she played that off? That's talent. And a possible concussion.
Welcome to Flips and Flip Outs, which, if you're really clever, you might guess is a blog about gymnastics and rants. No? Maybe it's not that obvious, or maybe you just aren't very smart. I'll reserve judgement. Anyway, this blog is going to be about...well...gymnastics and angry rants about things that make me angry. I'll post a video of myself doing usually admittedly terrible gymnastics and try to explain it in simple ways, because not everyone knows what a Shushunova is. I think I'll try to focus on a specific move every week. Er, I digress. I do gymnastics, and have done for eight years. It's a huge part of my life, and it seems that I can't get away from it, no matter how hard I try. And I do. Try that is. Also, I'm one of those people who sighs long-sufferingly a lot. And by a lot I mean A LOT. I get annoyed with things really easily, so I always have something to complain about. If I'm honest, I quite like complaining...and that sounds kind of bad. Sigh. My life this year appears to be an endless cycle of gymnastics, school, annoyance (which is a category that school definitely fits into), and farce. Lots of farce. Writing about situations that bother me and could help me get over them more quickly, plus, who doesn't love a good angry rant? You, possibly, but whatever. Gymnastics is something I'm extremely familiar with, so it makes sense to write about it. There's definitely nothing else interesting about me, and people usually find gymnastics impressive, so I'm aiming for some wowing to happen. That sounded kind of douchey. Am I allowed to say that? Eh, it happened and I wasn't struck down by magical lightning, so I guess I am. Right, I'd say that was a pretty good introduction, so hopefully you know what kind of person I am now and I totally wrote more than I meant to so sorry if this is super scrambled but oh well. First post is done with, I'm going to go sob over my math homework.
