Aerials and Stupid Slang that Only Idiots Use...Which Is All of You (Points Finger...At You)

Greetings again my little maggots. Or maybe you're not little. Maybe you're really tall and proud of it and continue to dream about skinning me for a coat because I keep calling you little... I just freaked myself out. I apologize for any offended tall people but uh, welcome to my nightmares. Also glad to see the rambling is becoming a pattern, I'm sure it's really cute. But I digress. Because I'm in Fall Out Boy. Because they use the word digress in "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race" get it? If you don't you had no childhood or good taste to speak of. Except you Ms. B, the song is only from 2006. Right, moving on to the boring part of this. Aerials are not red-headed mermaids in skimpy purple seashell bras, (I know that joke wasn't funny, you don't have to tell me, I'm already disappointing myself) they are no handed cartwheels. They might be the easiest bit of impressive looking gymnastics to learn because there really isn't a lot to them. All you need to do is push off your front foot and throw your arms down to drive yourself through the flip. That kind of sounds complicated when I read it back, but as a gymnast those are some of the simplest instructions I'd get. This post is going to be pretty short (I'm sure you're super excited about that (just kidding no you aren't, you love my rambling (except no, no one loves my rambling or me, sob))) because that's actually I have to say about those. The push off your front leg is the thing that's going to make you successful in your endeavors. Unless you have face-smashing endeavors, then skip the push and aim for the face. Aerials are also probably the least scary skill to try. If you feel like you're not going to be able to make it, you can always put your hands down. Really quickly, there are a couple variations of an aerial. A front aerial is a no handed front walkover (I'll add a video) and a "back aerial" is actually known as a back layout stepout. And you already know what that is. So, I totally caved and put videos on Youtube to prove to you guys that I'm not a total fogey. I'll have you guys know that I still hate Blogger just as passionately and with explosions of....feeling, because its still makes me look like I formatted this post with two stubs for hands. Or maybe dog paws. No offense to amputees...or dogs. I totally brought the swearing in this one down, aren't you proud of me Ms. B?

Since I finally got my shit together (and I spoke too soon on the swearing, it's totally my hands, they have a mind of their own, the crafty bastards) with videos, I figured I'd just add some. Of myself. Butchering the sport. Obviously you'd like to see it. Wow that thumbnail looks really ugly, sorry. This video is two years old, as is the one above, because I can't get my shit together enough to be actually successful. I only have a tiny shovel guys (it's like a mouse sized one, not like a horse sized one). Now that I've probably disgusted you, you might be able to tell that this is a back layout step-out, if you read the first post. The one below is a normal layout, with legs together. Although this was on the grass, so it was a bit less straight... than it would usually be...ha.

In the second post we learned about back handsprings, so the next video is much like the awkward stripping one...minus the awkward stripping (but plus some super attractive stripping...nope, what is funny. Not me), but still with awful form. Sorry about that as well, I was fooling around doing these. Notice I was in my natural habitat, there was no coach to beat me with a stick when I did something wrong. Just kidding, that's not my natural habitat. Just kidding, just kidding, that doesn't actually happen. It's just verbal abuse and disappointed eyes. I still have no idea about format, so I guess I'll just tell you that the one after the back handspring one is a back handspring step-out back tuck on beam, just like the girl in the second post. This was last year too (I'm just excusing myself for sucking, don't mind me), cut me some slack guys, ok?
                                                                                 

 Right, now that it looks like Stephen Hawking organized this post (is it still offensive if it's true?) and there's a smattering of gymnastics projectile vomited onto this web page, it's time for the rant. It's going to be short because I'm weary of the dumb shit you guys come up with and then choose to adopt as normal. Two words: TURNT UP. As you're saying this next time, please please realize that you look like a giant douchenozzle. And if you're saying to yourself right now: "It can't be, everyone says it, all my friends say it,  it can't possibly be stupid," you're mistaken. Gravely. Mistaken, that is. Because guess what. You all look like giant bleeping (I'm trying here...oh hey, I'm like Ortiz, except I'm not trying to get you all to have more city spirit in the wake of a bombing but actually swear and I didn't win a World Series title just now and then cheekily add the bleep in there like a charming motherfucker and I'm not giant and cuddly with an awkward beard and also I'm not a man. Wow that got away from me. That simile just took a nose dive off a plane and sank to the bottom of the ocean, that's how much I lost that simile. Does anyone have a map?) douchenozzles. Don't look so shocked and forlorn, I can totally help you. Repeat after me, but note, reading this out loud will strengthen your resolve and also amuse me to no end: I pledge that from now on I am no longer willing make a giant tool out of myself by saying turnt up and also since I passed the third grade I realize that "turnt" is not a word because the past form of the verb turn is "turned" and I'm too smart (note: not likely, but just tell yourself that you are) to look like such a raging idiot in public and I will subsequently try to avoid being laughed at by all those people who retained their knowledge of verb tense and are much smarter than I. Got it? Good job, unless you've forgotten how to read as well, in which case you should just kill yourself. That TURNED (OH LOOK SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) out a lot rantier than I thought it was going to be, I think these are cathartic. I promise I might learn what a paragraph is next time (or not, don't get your hopes up).
Ok well bye I guess.

Also I realize just now that I forgot to add a video of a front aerial, but you have fingers (I'm assuming) so go google that.

By the way my OTP is myself and parenthesis. Also run on sentences. It's a love triangle.                                                                         


                                                                                                                                                      

Back Handsprings and Whole Foods (Land of the Earthy-Crunchies) Plus: Blogger Can Suck My Anatomically Incorrect Dick

(Sorry in advance Ms. B)

Hey again...maybe again....I'm just going to assume you've been here before. Probably after crying about your life and eating something shitty for you. It's a vicious cycle. Or is that just me? Whatever, I'm allowed to have feelings. Aaaaannnyyyway, I've just realized that I should be writing about gymnastics, so...gymnastics. Back handsprings are important. They're pretty much necessary to everything. Which sucks, because they hurt my back like ow. Uh, if you don't know what a back handspring is, kill yourself. Joking, it's totally my job to teach you this shit. You're never going to need to know any of this, but oh well. A back handspring is a back flip (again, no shit) where you sit like you're in an invisible chair, then jump backwards with an arched back, place your hands on the ground and push off, and then snap to your feet. Just like layout, you can do them with two feet, or split in the middle and step out of them. Here's a video. (Once again Blogger, you have spoiled my plans. You win this round, but I'm going to post my own videos if it's the last thing I do. I'll get you my pretty, and your   imaginary that I made up just now to entertain myself dog too!)

 

I'm not responsible for any puking or loss of consciousness due to his abso-freaking-lutely disgusting form, or for any scarring prompted by awkward mid-flip stripping. (This is really random but I'm watching tv as I'm writing this and the news is letting us know that there's an upside to herpes now? Good news guys.) Ignore that. Doesn't seem very complicated, does it? It's really not. If you have a tiny speck of talent, you'll be able to do a back handspring. Back handsprings are used on floor, beam, and vault. A vault with a back handspring is called a yurchenko. Which is pronounced UR-CHEN-KO. You can thank the damn foreigners for that crap. Freaking Russians. A yurchenko is...I'll just post the video. I don't have one of me doing it because I rarely have time to film at practice because I'm....practicing. Also I wouldn't be able to post it even if I did because Blogger has decided it wants custody of my sanity in this divorce. Whatever. The back handspring part is when you go over the vault backwards. And here's a video:

Fack you blogger, why is the thumbnail for this video so big? I'm just full of criticism today, which is *totally* unlike every other day. Rambling. Er, continuing with the gymnastics. Back handsprings are used mostly to help you gain power. Did I already say that? I don't remember. Doing a round-off into a back handspring into a flip is a lot easier than just doing a round-off into a flip. The more back handsprings you do (if you do them correctly and don't suck) the faster you will go, helping you flip higher or twist faster. An example of this is a back handspring back tuck on beam. Doing a standing back tuck is harder because you don't have any momentum, you're just...standing. Hence a standing flip. Behold this lovely video of a back 

handspring into a back tuck. I promise I can do gymnastics, Blogger just wants my entire life to crash and burn. Speaking of burning, I have a burning desire to rant about Whole Foods. I'd 

never been to Whole Foods before a couple weeks ago. If you've never heard of it, you should pull your head out of...well, it's a grocery store that sells all sorts of organic and expensive food for people who have a sixth sense for pesticides or whatever. Anyway, upon entering I regretted my decision to wear a leather jacket as I was immediately looked towards like the reincarnation of the devil itself. Himself. Herself? The devil. So here I was feeling judged and on the verge of being chased out of the store by an angry mob, but I persevered. Mostly because my mom wouldn't let me go sit in the car. And no, I'm not exaggerating, get that look off your face. Oh, that's just what your face looks like? That's acceptable then. The point is, we got like 6 things, including a pack of gum that was 3 freaking dollars, what?? We ended up spending around $50. Also, the check out guy didn't appreciate my compliments of his black nail polish and treated my face to some truly exceptional eyebrows of doom while I was zipping up my coat. Also I saw way more Birkenstocks (in the winter even, like there's no wrong season for hideous sandals) than I was comfortable with. And for getting through this ridiculously long and ridiculous post, here's a blooper video! See you little sunshines next time. Unless you decide I'm crazy and don't come back, that is.

Ouch, right? I've been there.....I'm still there. 

(But never on a cartwheel because I don't suck that much.)